dear bio-dad

on the off chance that wherever you are on this planet, you've had access to the fox tv network and had the grave misfortune to have caught this week's airing of the latest reality hack job, who's your daddy?, and in case your palms became sweaty with fear that i might be shallow enough to drag your mysterious ass onto international airwaves so that we might profess an awkward love for each other after i spend 44 painful edited minutes snivelling my way into pop culture humiliation trying to pick you out of 8 possible sperm donor posers, let me assure you that even if i was so mentally unstable as to apply to such a show, i'm most definately not botoxed or siliconed or barbie-cloned enough for the producers to bother with, and i'm all kinds of certain that you are not lacking enough in taste or soul as to contemplate a $100,000 cash prize in the same breath as a chance to meet me.

besides, surely canadians and bajians are exempt. small miracle.