stormy weather

until friday, i was drowning in fiscal year-end fuckery thanks to my role as project manager for the regional coordinating committee to end violence against women (rccevaw). i've also been juggling other regular work while half-assedly chasing potential new clients (it worked too - i'll be doing some media relations for the ywca and fafia has me writing more pieces for that pledge campaign, ya hoo). spent part of the weekend 'observing' the ndp federal council meeting at the glamorous marriott, which basically meant doing yogic breathing exercises while watching frustrated people try to move through an ill-planned agenda guided by a very weak chair. no wonder i've fallen behind on the election brochure for miss vicky.

now a shitstorm is a-brewing as we inch closer to this weekend's ndp qc council meeting in trois-rivieres. some of it bubbled up yesterday evening and i've had space for nothing other than ndp since, except for the respite (not) afforded by a 2 hour visit from my realtor today during which measurements were taken, contracts signed, and (gasp) an actual sign got plugged into my lawn. throw together the consulting, the listing of my house, and carving out of pieces of my soul for politics, and it would seem i am officially for sale.

about the panic attack suffered last week: i was editing the content of my own website for the 5th time and found myself staring down fears about my evolving persona (i was about due for an annual identity crisis anyway). a fatigue-induced craze led me to slice out an entire section of text about my background as a campaigner and grassroots organizer. and i freaked right the fuck out. it dawned on me that if i'm really going to self-promote as a freelance writer and communicator, it means moving to the background everything i'm confident about and putting up front everything i'm insecure about. and a writer must sell herself in brief, pithy, EDITED terms. i had to re-affirm that the campaigner me shall not get top billing on the site. so anxiety set in. i wobbled a wee while. and now things are on track again. or are they? i mean, have i the gumption to suggest to people that i could write their brochure? i'm about to come out as someone who believes she damn well could, and that's just weird.

oh, speaking of coming out, suspicion confirmed! i learned today that ivan, my agent is, indeed, gay, which makes perfect sense considering he's been staring me in the eye - knowingly - from the get go and seems quite eager for us to be best friends and today, was sorta all over me as the gay boys so often are. my fucking god, what is it with me and gay guys? i swear there's some kind of magnetic force at play.