bills of health

huge breakthrough yesterday in the doctor-melting project that recently entered its fifth year. my adorable yet painfully reserved physician not only broke two smiles, but i actually managed to make him laugh. it was a true miracle. his chilliness has prompted me, on occasion, to comb for another gp. but even the supposed 4th largest city in canada isn't immune to the doctor shortage problems plaguing most of the country. so i have hung on to my shy african doc, and as i told him yesterday, "don't look now, but you are softening." in related medical news, how can one possibly express what it feels like to hear "no, that's not a lump." also, my blood pressure is apparently "perfect".

i had been wondering whether the doom-ness that has been stealing my sleep and shadowing my days since last week might be attributable to some sort of body alarm. i am both relieved and pissed to know it is not. this means i am still clueless about this anxiety attackery. can't win for trying, i guess - just when it seemed like i'd mustered the upper body strength to tread with my shoulders actually up out of the water, whatever lies beneath is a fucking buzz-killing bastard. clearly,
a promising work surge ain't enough.

maybe it's a result of my having come out of the closet as a true love seeker (as opposed to untrue love or toxic love or love that is conditional, less than, or different than what one truly wants). maybe it's anxiety induced from the whole house selling/buying thing i'm pursuing. maybe it's because of the damned seal hunt. maybe it's because even though i'm kinda finding work, i still don't have a fucking clue what i'm doing, as in, a Life Plan. maybe it's indigestion.

oh yeah, on the whole true love thing ... i was told recently by a friend, in response to being asked what he appreciates most about his relationship of 10 years: "
i am going to die a better person because of all he taught me about myself". ok, maybe that sentiment isn't revelatory. but it is for me, at this time, resonant. as someone obsessed with self-analysis and self-examination and self-blah blah blah, it got me thinking - what kind of beautiful mind-fuck must it be to be learning about (and appreciating) oneself through the eyes of a partner who truly loves you, properly?


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