my oscars recap

may i first say that jon stewart, though he didn't make anyone pee, did not disappoint. he was calm, smooth, rose to the occasion, and i am still madly in love with him. but the whole oscars thing was drippy and way too self-congratulatory. hollywood gave itself a bejeweled pat on the back, made big to-dos about it's influence on society, gave jabs about the need to support actors and the industry (even jack nasty made a crack about portable dvd players not being the way to go)

ok, so there was non-stop over the top aggrandizement. moving on ...

i started the evening thinking michelle looked great with her glam look and saffron gown. but super-overexposure (no fault of her own) had me cussing her by the end.

lemme remember what else happened. ben stiller lost his last shred of dignity thanks to a regrettable green unitard and major unfunniness. jennifer garner almost tripped twice but recovered brilliantly ("i do all my own stunts"). lily and meryl were delicious. uma, charlize, naomi, and hilary tried to prove that lipstick is overrated. we shuddered to wonder if nicholson and kiera are dating.

i was ssooooo rooting for heath, but philip seymour hoffman won best actor and i utterly adore him so this was awesome - he got me all choked up with his shaky humble speech. so did the guy who won for writing the original score for brokeback mountain. terrence howard gazed love straight into my eyes. and we all wanted to pick up ang lee and cuddle him like a squeeze toy.

there were upsets: crash overtook brokebackmania for best film; my adorable penguins kicked quadraplegic ass; geisha knocked out faves in categories like costume and cinematography. the hugest scandal is the rap that took best song. i wonder how many people in that room actually understood any of the lyrics other than the painfully repetitive chorus "it's hard out here for a pimp". funny. reese totally robbed the oscar from felicity - which i shan't get over, like ever - and then went on and on about real women and her grandmother and "just trying to matter" and whatever the hell.

as for upsets right here in my living room: my pick for best documentary short subject WON! rex stunned us, and even himself, by picking the best animated short. for the like 10th year in a row, marc-andre won for most correct picks (i came one correct guess short of tying with his 13). my turkey chili got rave reviews, and we gorged on guac and chips and dainty little mousse cakes.

the burning question is, what the fuck was jessica alba doing there [most recent headline: "alba plays hardball with playboy"]. the mocking began when we saw her on the red carpet and didn't stop until ... well, um, it still hasn't.