the big chill

last night, the city descended into a deep freeze while i tried not to slip into one of my own. the temp out there was something like -29 with the wind chill. i was puttering late into the witching hours i love, when the world falls eerily still; imagined myself in a cozy igloo, a frosty haven adrift on a desolate ice field beneath a quiet heavy sky, dreaming by oil lamp. the thought gave me chills. and i liked it.

a VIP in my life has flown off to florida, like one of those snowbirds only a good 25 years younger and far less interested in canada club gatherings on someone's lanai. his absence scares me a little. the goal is to remain focussed: follow up on the nibbles that keep coming in for contract work (at least one gig i nailed yesterday is extremely lucrative - hallelujah).

speaking of the big chill, i have finally been tracked down by the five women dubbing themselves "your reunion committee" - they want to know if i'd be interested in attending a gathering in regina of our high school graduating class this summer at someplace called "the broken rack". of course, i feel requisite curiosity about the whole where are they now thing, but honestly, i can't be arsed to attend. it occurs to me that the people i actually wouldn't mind seeing are precisely the ones who would flip the bird to a reunion. so i'm just not sure about an awkward evening in a prairie pool hall with the folks who were hardly important (and often irritating) to me during high school.


home again

the last day in san fran was totally laid back, tinged only slightly with the sadness of knowing i had mere hours left. did some work at the apartment that morning, then a-walkin' i went. shuffled absent-mindedly through most of golden gate park - had big plans to check out the de young museum, but had to settle for just the spectacular exterior thanks to it being president's day and in honour of all those white men, things shut down. took me awhile to realize that's why there were all sorts of families with kidlets running all over the park on a monday.

travelling home was exhausting. i don't know who the fuck i think i am that i can do the red eye, as if i'm 19 years old and spritely. i have now burrowed back into my small life up here. returned to find my driveway and walkway covered in a dirty crust of snowy ice and debris. my feet hurt like fuck and i am still groggy. i have not come to terms with the fact that there is a reality here for me to bite back into. can't prolong the denial much longer, what with all the emails and meetings and pieces of work to be delivered. will follow up on a couple of leads on some new little jobs. will try to address the thin layer of dust that has filmed over everything.


bay day

adam took first runner up in the non-vegan dessert category at last night's "valentines can fuck off bake off". we heard tell of some controversy among the judges regarding adam's use of citrus accents in the chocolate souffle - some of the lesbians apparently did not appreciate its subtleties. in the end, he kicked many baked goods' asses and was awarded a spectacular dildo that ended up getting more action last night at a bar called the phone booth than some of us get in a year. from bake off to drink off we went, me and the boys. as the evening progressed, so too did the silliness with the prize. oh, and behind the bar at the phone booth: this framed picture of tom selleck, the only photo on the entire wall.

jill and dan picked us up at 11 today. first we went up to twin peaks to silently admire the ridiculous view. then drove about 40 miles south to half moon bay. the coastal drive was stunning. every so often the dots of surfer heads amidst an otherwise unblemished view of the pacific - glittery blue straight to the horizon. lunched and walked around main street in the wee coastal town our moms would find quaint. made obligatory stop at golden gate bridge on the way home. even allowed my picture to be taken, like an ass hole tourist, bridge in the background and all. also got to see the row of houses known as the pink ladies, made famous by the dumb show that unleashed mary kate and ashley unto the universe. in the same neighbourhood is the park in which a bajillion scenes have been shot including the one where charlie dumps harriet. i thought it was sorta cool.

i have been pleasantly surprised by how much i dig san francisco. i really like the vibe. there's a real comfort in the air. not to mention it's fucking gorgeous. i'm starting to get that sick omigod i don't want to go home feeling in the pit of my stomach. makes it easy to consider pitching a tent here and hiding out like some kind of self-exiled refugee. happens to me most places i travel - i fantasize about finding an address and starting anew. i don't hate where i live, i don't hate my house, and really, i don't hate my life. i just really enjoy being away from it. like now.


sharon stone, stalker

everytime i come to the states, sharon stone is where i am. ok, it's only happened twice, but we find it kinda funny. yesterday, ms. stone spent two hours at a private school where adam's friend kendra works - she wants to enroll roan there. i imagine it would be important that the child end up in as secure surroundings as possible, especially since he is likely to experience lifelong flashbacksof of his father's ill-fated encounter with a komodo dragon.

met jill and her partner dan for supper last night. dan was recently invited to culver city to audition for jeopardy. it was easy to tell how bright he is, if not slightly socially-awkward. she seems giddy about being in law school and excited to dispense advice - most of which i already knew but didn't mind letting her inform - about the re-sale of my property. we ended up at pizza orgasmica. still full from the burmese feast, chose not to get our rocks off on pizza. opted for $2 red stripes instead. i annoyed dan with more questions about the jeopardy audition.

woke up very early today (still on east coast time) and read in bed for an hour, listening to my ipod. leisurely latte across the street, then tackled yesterday's activities. adam came with. walked over to the famed castro district, gay mecca of the world. i got to see that disturbingly large rainbow flag, walk amidst all the gay people, and experience the gayness of it all. those gay people are just so cute. i remarked to adam how utterly comfortable i felt there. thus was born today's theme of contemplation: why don't i feel as comfortable in the straight world? let's face it, gay people are the cooler of the species. you'd think i'd feel nervously uncool among them. and yet, no. i feel safe, occasionally hip, generally more at home. there's a certain lack of judgment, i think.

we went to the west coast of this town and walked a mile along the beach. it was drizzling and foggy. i declined walking under adam's umbrella and happily got wet. it was the grey beautiful of the british isles, an unsunny magical calmness that you feel as though might swallow you from your aloneness. i found it incredibly peaceful.

home for the afternoon mucking around on the computer while adam prepared chocolate souffle for tonight's event. a posse is forming here as we get ready to leave for the "valentine's can fuck off bake off" hosted by lesbians. judging begins at 6.30. there's every chance that afterwards we will come back here, get high, and watch ab/fab. tomorrow we are driving either down or up the coast, i'm not sure. it depends on whether or not certain friends of friends in the napa valley were reached today. either way, we're going for a coastal drive.


yet to ride a streetcar

adam made me oatmeal for the second morning in a row. i'm talking from scratch with oats in a pot and fixin's like walnuts and raisins and freshly ground flax. as someone who's had a very hard time adopting a breakfast regimen, this is an important, if not decadent, practice.

san francisco smells good. just generally a nice scent. the population seems super ecclectic. yesterday, i wandered around the downtown and financial districts for something like 5 hours. there is definately a coolness that hangs over the place like the famed fog, but it's not inaccessible. everyone seems purposeful, but not in that crazed aggressive new york kinda way. i amused myself by walking amongst them in their local habitat as if i, too, am rushing off to a meeting. i gawked at all those hoity toity department stores that occupy entire city blocks: neiman marcus, saks fifth avenue, macy's. i wandered up (and i do mean UP) to china town and back down again. i took a well-deserved rest break in border's, where i finally flipped through the acclaimed bestseller by john stewart, america: the book, which frankly, isn't all that funny. picked up a couple of magazines cuz i'm a big spender.

prepared butternut squash and pear soup for adam and his friend wolfgang, west coast editor for food and wine magazine who resembles elton john, circa 1976.

am still working on that whole "on vacation" concept - trying not to stress about the lack of progress made on that dreaded report or about my disconnect from the crazy goings-on in the qc ndp. am trying to love the leisure, the lazying. i am getting a kick out of being utterly tv-free. i am almost done the sting book. i am daydreaming about writing projects i might have the audacity to pursue this year. adam has turned me onto strangers with candy.

i can see the sky from the couch on which i work - it is a strange ashen colour and the air has a damp chill. it is very likely to rain today. i plan to meander over to the castro district where i might purchase some naughty/silly xxx items, then perhaps on to a highly-recommended stretch of beach for a long walk. this all seems a bit less compelling with the rain factor, but out i must go. i'm in san fran-fucking-cisco, for chrissakes. later, jill intends to take me to burma superstar, a bizarrely-named restaurant that is supposedly fantastic.


california dreaming

i am in san francisco in the cafe du soleil sipping cafe latte from a bowl. i just came in from having a cigarette outside where a raggedy street guy offered to sell me a pouch of weed while mumbling about the destruction in afghanistan. the sun is shining brightly. i have stepped out of the dirty snow and into the crisp february air of the pacific ocean.

i have a vague sense of being all the way on the other side of the continent and significantly distanced from my everyday stuff. i am vaguely aware of the possibility that this week could decompress me, even a little. i am trying hard to believe i am ON VACATION.

i am staying with adam. he has once again managed to find accommodation in the most spectacular of apartments. it is an airy 3-bedroom with 16 foot ceilings in the lower haight area (think infamous haight ashbury of 60's music and hippie culture). it is situated in almost the middle of metropolitan san francisco, not far from the university of san francisco and the us mint. have not yet had the pleasure of meeting his roommates: chris is a painfully underpaid coordinator of some sort of at-risk youth outreach program, and dana has a job with google that he "can't" talk about.

i did get to meet ben, one of adam's partners in sko media, a consulting venture. ben is here for two weeks from boston, where he grew up and plans to grow old. when i arrived, bug-eyed and dishevelled on the front stoop yesterday evening, the two of them were elbow deep in preparations of gnocci with asparagus and leek, fennel salad, and chocolate souffle. my famished self was super relieved to be gnoshing on such fine cuisine and sipping on sauvignon blanc after that hairy journey. instead of hitting the sack like my body desperately wanted, we went to the stud to take in the v-day edition of trannyshack, a campy drag show featuring such local legends as hecklina, putanesca, and suppositori spelling. it was great to hear those feel-sorry-for-me ballads brought to larger-than-life by bay area queens instead of in some pathetic cookie dough ice cream induced valentine's stupor, a tragic mope-fest for one.

my itinerary thankfully did not have me departing at the crack of dawn, tho' yesterday was still fatiguing. both my flights were bumpy and wearisome, yet i somehow managed to get through half of the sting memoir. my jet-lag and headacheyness have spilled over to today, so i choose to hang only in this neighbourhood. tomorrow i will venture downtown to union square and explore more of the hipness that is san fran. in such a cool town, it's interesting that so far i don't feel conspicuously uncool - at least not yet. i love the smell of this place. i catch myself succumbing to cliches and wondering what ratio of people around me are gay. i really wish i'd brought my purple sweater. i find it oddly fascinating that most everyone i see resembles someone i know or once knew. i feel very little compulsion to smoke today. i can't seem to get the theme song from the OC out of my head. i have an election planning committee report to write while here, though i wish i'd just brought more leisure reading to catch up on. i think i need more sleep.

i wouldn't say i have big plans, but i gots some plans. i needed this get-away so badly that it's necessary to sink into the escape, fully. i can never really get away from thinking about things. and at this point, there are definately things that warrant reflection. i suppose a quick trip like this is less about clearing the mind than re-organizing it. i shall hope that a bit of california dreamin' will work its magic.


hello again, internet

so whassup? sure has been awhile. guess i slipped into a rather uninspired place following the big hoorah election. felt pretty pooped. didn't have much to say. still don't, really. except that i just finished acknowledging the passing of another year of being alive on this planet. how, you might wonder, does someone with so little interest in marking the day of her birth do so? it started with a few e-cards, e-mails, and singing callers. later, a large pizza became involved, along with some appleton (i did not down an hourly cocktail starting at noon like i'd originally envisioned, but a deserved few) and a caramel cheesecake with 12 candles for me to wish/blow out, which i re-lit and re-blew so as to wish some more. there was american idol, the state of the union, and cheaters. there was a screaming review of inside jokes and quotes to be added to the "shocking"-ly delightful comic book created by c. inevitably (because i just can't help going there) i did a recap of the hideousness of 05, ie: failed campaigns, failed relationships, failed non-relationships, etc. but then c reminded me that since my last bday, i've joined a band and gotten caught up on SFU, which is an excellent point and so i feel pretty good.

as for that whole not having much to say thing, i have had to dig deep to feign a certain amount of interest in post-electoral rituals. lotsa results analysis and strategic planning. there's no "i" in team, of course. and thanks to a push by me to get it over with while things are fresh and before people drift off to regular lives, we are gathering candidates this weekend in montreal for a de-brief session - as good a place as any to start imagining what exactly we might pursue with the party, and how, now that quebec makes up roughly one quarter of the increase in ndp votes.

anyhoo, it's been nice talking to you again, internet. i'll be back sooner to go over some shit.