what the bleep do i know?

i smoked nearly a full pack of cigarettes yesterday. and it's not like i started at 6 am either. the pack was purchased at 2 pm and i was up til 4 am. so in 14 hours, i smoked 20 cigarettes. that's disgusting, to be sure. but something has been happening to me in the last couple of days. it's had to. influenced in some part by the turning of a season, i find myself succumbing to an almost giddiness about my situation - more amused than bemused, somehow, about the absurdity of it all. that i'm broke without a reliable source of income - laughable. that i'm without a partner or barely a part of any official urban tribe - hilarious. that i've been beaten into submission about the terms of a work contract that i'd like to abandon, on principle, but cannot, on account of my bank accounts being depleted and all - ridiculous. that the melted snow has revealed 2 yards and 2 driveways full of twigs, pine cones, other people's discarded crap, and a whole lot of disrepair - bawhaha. and don't even get me started about the unidentifiable foreign object mocking me from under the pool cover.

maybe i've flipped my lid and it's just delirium. maybe all of c's talk of peptides has actually rubbed off. but i'm definitely lighter. my period of mental gymnastics has somehow led me to this place of 'i can't give a good god damn' - and it feels ok.

also, through some quirk, a potent truth serum seems to be coursing through my veins. i'm confessing, uncorking, and confronting. i'm saying shit to people that's overdue (stoopid, scary, vulnerable shit, even). i'm even forcing truth onto myself. i need to get real, and not in the dr. phil sense of the word. i mean for real about what i lack, what i want, and what to do.

despite the rambling lists of work tasks and domestic chores, i talked myself into blowing off everything yesterday. and today too, for that matter. if the bluezone was about struggling to get a grip, or even some kind of a hold, on my flailing shit, then this weekend found me making certain decisions that have to do with Letting Go. there is a mind-numbing soul-crushing amount of shit that's way out of my control right now, but a tiny bit that isn't. and i'm tired of being tired. really.

so yesterday, i smoked my fucking face off... as if to say Fuck You Problems, Fuck You Fear, Fuck You Paralysis, Fuck You World. i have a long way to go to actually fix some of this shit, but i may as well flip the bird to what matters less and do some drunk-dialing in the meantime. oh, and quit smoking. for real.