fear factors

so i’ve been engaging lately in some crazy behaviour (and it ain't just the singing) that’s rather out of character. ok, hardly any really, but nonetheless, it gets me thinking. funny how the same act, at different points of your life or on different days, can take on such radically different meaning? on the one hand, i want to say good for me for being so bold and trying something so scary and on the other hand, what the fuck am i doing? who do i think i am?

i guess even within personality does the classic ebb and flow occur. sometimes things come easy. then they don’t. then we either forget or fight to get them back.

once upon a time i did know how to stack the deck in my favour. now i'm facing a future that has somehow turned all ominous and overwhelming – i'm having to muster the oomph to step up to it and stare it down. i don’t want to live in fear. i hate it. i don’t even believe in it. now it’s everywhere.

change is such a tricky thing. as we age, we get calmer and less impulsive. duh. back then, spunk was the fuel because we don’t know any better. aging is also a shifting of interests and perceptions of self. change is scary because it requires a certain loss of control. some of us spend lifetimes clinging to the notion of control, whether it’s in hand or not. i’m starting to understand that the very essence of growth is risk. xtreme sports guys make me jealous because risk is candy whereas for most of us, risk feels risky.

so here i am in transition, facing my own little episode of fear factor. instead of eating blended maggots, i’m eating crow, and instead of jumping from one speeding mack truck to another, i’m jumping into sort of an unknown.

i’ve been resisting letting go of whoever i thought i was. but i’m starting to figure out that over the course of time, you never turn into a different person. we change little things about our lives – yes. but we don’t really change. all we do is shed baby pieces of skin and work like hell to regenerate new stuff that might add colour and dimension and enhancement to our lives. self, refined.

in response to the question what do you want to say to the world, eminem said so profoundly in a recent interview: fuck off. that’s pretty much how i need to be right now. but also, i need to get that precisely NO ONE gives a good god damn about my silly shit. once i get that, then maybe i can get all defiant and unapologetic with my own damn self and carry on with the business of fumbling towards whatever is next... necking where- when-and whom-the-fuck-ever i please along the way.