breaking up's hard to do

it's like being stuck in an unhealthy relationship but you just don't have the balls to walk away from it. you start off with great expectations, full of lust and anticipation. then as soon as the deal is made, the sheen wears right off. you find yourself staring into the face of what was supposed to be the love of your life but has turned out to be the drainer of whatever energy and hope was left in you. you rub your eyes, blink lots, scratch your head. wonder how you could have been so bamboozled. wonder why you hadn't trusted that tiny voice that told you this isn't the one.

descend into resentment. shift from a genuine outpouring of commitment and devotion to a lifeless shuffle. go through the motions. wish you didn't need so desperately to stay in the very thing that is sucking the life out of you. compromise dreams and values just so that you can eek out some kind of payoff. question is, at what cost? the relationship has so rendered you another person that it's hardly obvious anymore why you stay and who you would be if you left.

that's what it was like for me and the fucking job. from the outside, we were the perfect couple: a complementary match, brought together at the right time with all the appropriate fanfare. friends were supportive, even envious, that we'd found each other. all the elements were seemingly in sync. behind closed doors, however, we were a mess of unmet expectations and miscommunication. it was clear right off the hop that i was not going to have my needs met, nor was i going to be able to perform in the ways demanded of me. i got myself into a bad situation that, despite all efforts, did not get better. i guess i thought if i didn't try to make it work, i'd be deemed unworthy by the onlookers. i figured if i left, it would cause irreparable damage to my credibility. so i stayed. and i really did suffer for it.

more than anything, i felt the timing was impeccable: i really needed the boost this relationship was supposed to provide. but this experience has shown me that the fire missing from my belly may well need stoking from a very different source. and that's a fear i fear was there in the first place. i don't blame myself for hoping this job would inject me with motivation, even in the interim. but now i realize it couldn't. even if it hadn't been frought with shitty planning and shitty management and shitty people. i'm not in a place that allows the best version of me to shine. combine a lacklustre work situation with a lacklustre me, and well, it just spells f-u-c-k-e-d.

so like the insecure half of an abusive relationship, i stayed. i chose to remain with that seemingly perfect partner. i'm not sure if i thought it could save me, or me it. then, fortuitously, my decision was made for me. what i feel now is equal parts OMIGOD and THANK GOD. i've been replaced by a more fabulous version of myself, a bigger superstar than i'll ever be (at least i wasn't followed by an idiot). funny thing is, i find myself too relieved to even give a shit about my reputation or my employability. oh sure, i'm suitably nervous about what comes next, but as for what was to have been the greatest campaign of my supposed career, i'm glad to be free of it. i'm strong enough to speak my own truth about what really happened. i see now that i was in a choke-hold. and i'm already breathing easier.

now, if i can only figure out a new way to go. scary as all hell.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

one of those envious
friends had forwarned you
before the whole insemination
in a wildly accurate
card reading that
this relationship
had it's potential of
heartache in the form
of a bad-seed chick.
i think need a little drink
... right away.

3:50 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am not lost. it's me lorna. vetters@hotmail.com

12:08 a.m.  

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