28.5.05

out with the old

one week since me and the campaign reached an agreement and one week til the contract is officially ‘up’. i’ve got this box of files/filing in the middle of the floor of my main room – which i’m seriously eager to hand over – but i haven’t touched it yet. beck thinks i should just drop it off at the office AS IS with a big note in red sharpie that says “go fuck yourselves”. tempting.

usually we have to shush ourselves in order to hear the whispers of the universe as she guides us. this time, her subtlety was altogether lacking – instead, she left a bigass boot print in the middle of my back. as i slowly stop resisting the signs (and myself) i’m actually beginning to feel positive about the crossroads where i stand. i just need the dangling internal conflicts to sink to the bottom and settle there. that’s what i’m most anxious for: the settling down of the shit.

when mh asked me last week "isn't there even a little part of you that's excited?", i got all fucking agitated and almost defensive. i was all like well but this is what i'm supposed to do, so NO, i don't feel good and i thought up corny analogies like if i try something else, it'd be like cheating on a lover. sweet christ.

the more i accept that i maybe i don’t want to do this kind of work anymore, the more i’m aware of the excitement i think IS restless to come out and dance, like the crazy cgi baby from ally mcbeal.

feels a bit juvenile and naïve, though, to sit and gawk at the stars and consider that crazy thing called possibility. it’s as though i’m 16 again, staring into the years ahead of me and feeling giddy with imagination.

i don’t think i’m as scared as i imagine i should be. more sad than scared. i’m sad that i've lost the draw to the work i have loved, that has so loved me back. spent so many fucking years gathering confidence and passion and skill, convincing the world and myself that this is where i belong. thought it was for forever. and maybe it still could be. but maybe i need a break. maybe i need to figure out what else might light me up in the same way. maybe i just want more. all i know is that i’ve lost the taste for ngos and campaigns and coalition politics. maybe just for now. whatever, i just have to get okay with all that. and right quick, because the time is now for being 16 … wide-eyed, plucky, full of anticipation … perhaps not as intrepid, but jesus, a strong and grounded woman with the clean slate of a cocky high school senior? godamn.

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