things for which i would continue to beat myself up if i didn't think i was so awesome in spite of it all

1. once when he was 11, i left my brother sitting alone in the oldsmobile on a dead cold prairie winter night. so i could duck into someone's basement to make out with a boy. he didn't know how to start the car. i returned to find a bluish boysicle.

2. i can’t change my own car tires.

3. i often assess my fridge and pantry in terms of how long the contents would last before i’d have to leave the house again.

4. i trust disappointment more than i do people.

5. on the rare occasion that i bring nutella into the house, it pretty much goes without saying that it will be consumed (over a couple of sittings) with a spoon by the glow of very late-night television.

6. i never once called my grandparents. now it's too late.

7. i can't ever seem to pay my taxes on time.

8. over the years, i have morphed from a demonstrative sayer of ‘i love you’ to a chickenshit withholder.

9. i have mostly managed to avoid paying for any sort of lip product in my life because i think spending a single cent on such stuff would be stupid. wait, i actually feel smug and self-righteous about this one so never mind.

10. i am a feminist who is wary of women, as they tend to be of me.

11. despite subscribing to all the politics of vegetarianism, i can't give up meat and dairy and likely never will.

12. oh, self-sabotage, how effectively you get between me and the good shit.

inspired by the inspiring schmutzie


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