party favours

in light of my last post, what i am about to say is likely to sound like ASS. but ass seems to be the order of my life. this week has seen a buzzing of opposition posturing to push the liberals into an earlier election, no thanks to our fearless leader and his so-called common sense compromise. so within the next few hours, i will perhaps receive a final offer and make a final decision about whether or not to work as co-campaign director of the quebec ndp federal election campaign. ASS anyone?

how did this happen. i am still unclear. not four days ago, i was on the verge of resigning from everyfuckingthing to do with the party. and now here i sit, poised to pack up my toothbrush and motrin to shove off to montreal for two months or more.

i'm thinking a lot today about whether the opportunity is titillating for the right reasons. whatever those are. i'm thinking a lot about fidelity. i'm pretty sure my interest in the job has nothing to do with party loyalty. there was a time that loyalty to The Cause was so powerful that i would hurl myself into flaming infernos just to do my part. but with age has come a decreased desire for self-inflicted burnout. that time has long passed. so then to what or whom do i feel loyal now? that's what concerns me about the right reasons. i wonder if professional malaise has left me void of the kind of challenge that conjures up a tingle in the depths of one's belly, that entices one out of a sort of slumber and says hey, yeah you ... sure you've been contemplating going ANOTHER WAY, but lookee here ... this just might be something that STIRS you ...

i haven't necessarily been bored. just un-stirred. like one of these. i've been relatively content to let stuff settle on the bottom. all part of the big fucking transition out of professional campaigning towards a life less strained, more creative, less politicked. and let me just say, i have made some real headway in opening up more space for creativity and new projects. not to mention feeling more peaceful about the shitty jobness from whence i have recently come.

these few days with the clc have not been shitty (yet?). so how can i walk away just two weeks into the contract? though if ever there is an employer from whom you can ask forgiveness for jumping ship to hit the ndp campaign trail, it's a union. on the other hand, i'm not sure what i might stand to lose by doing that. it's like being in a perfectly fine relationship, not a particularly sexy one, but stable. then along comes a Bad Boy and you find yourself seduced by the rush of an unpreditable and dangerous encounter, one that will almost definately lead to heartache.

so ass it is. in the morning, i shall hear from the party that has loved me, used me, abused me, and confused me ... asking me for another favour. what a strange relationship, worthy of doctoral level analysis. and i wouldn't be the only specimen.