force of habit

i am nearing the end of day 10 without a cigarette. they say it's a hard habit to break but i'm not so sure about that. those habits affiliated with smoking are intensely harder to conquer. cigarettes themselves are hardly the problem. duh, even dr. phil knows that any addiction is merely a response to deeper issues.

i'm not quitting because i've been sufficiently jarred by the disease porn featured on cigarette packs. i have not succumb to the anti-smoking hype. i'm not concerned about bad breath, leathery skin, or discoloured fingers. while i don't think smoking is cool, like some people, i do appreciate it's significance as a prong in one's identity -- it's dangerous to go tinkering with identity. an intact and honest one is so hard to come by in the first place.

i've decided to do this for two primary reasons: 1. cigarettes are too fucking expensive, and 2. i'd rather kill myself in a more glamorous fashion.

this attempt to ditch smoking was to have been an act of solidarity between friends. cm and i were going to clutch each other as we fumbled our way through the transition. as it turns out, there's a politic to quitting -- so now another quitter is clutching cm and i'm quitting alone. but i'm determined and i will succeed. that's it and that's all.

maybe the purging of this habit might create the space to take on the other, more powerful forces. maybe ...